Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: If you give it some deep thought—

Me: Let me stop you right there.

My hips? Compulsive liars.

4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!

Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers

4:

Me:

4: Next time buy ones with candy in them

In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.

i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo

Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend

“so what brings you to therapy today?”

Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!

Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.

“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line

If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.

Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.

Correction: It doesn’t.

Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺

My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.

I’m going to jail.

If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.

I can’t stand fake people.

Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.

Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.

My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!

Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.

“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE

I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.

me and my fake scenarios

[bakery]

Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!

Me: Definitely not happy tears

Him: What?

Me: What?

*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees

“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”

This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.

Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.

Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”

Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:

1. Stay together forever
2. Break up

No pressure.

My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”

Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.

Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?

Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.