BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
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nicknamed my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
Milk Cube
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
My husband just brought me a glass of wine unprompted. He must’ve noticed I cut my bangs today.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
friend: i’m just going to date myself
me: you can do better
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.