baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
You Might Also Like
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
You COULD say Twitter is like Group Therapy, however that would imply people are getting better,… and that just doesn’t hold water.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
Me [on the couch]: Well, it was a nice holiday break, but now it’s time to go back to work.
Me: [moves to other end of couch and opens laptop]
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
So, slam poetry is not a wrestling move, the more you know
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.