baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
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“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
Whenever my Mother-in-Law’s stories end with “And I turned out OK” I’m looking around like who’s gonna tell her
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
All the lions gathered together before slipping into a ravine. Pride comes before a fall.
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?