Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.

If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant

Got in the car and my 6yo greeted me with “well, well, well, look who’s here.”

This is the only greeting I’ll be accepting from now on.

Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.

prediction: there will be an earthquake 21 minutes ago

Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.

If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold

GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”

Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:

Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeans

Disadvantages
None that I can think of

Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.

I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.

*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played

My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.

One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”

The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB

Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.

hey just a psa for no reason in particular but if you get too close to those wacky inflatable tube guys on a rainy day they can and will wetly slap you in the face. in front of people you were hoping to impress

it definitely didn’t happen to me of course in case you thought th

While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times

Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.

With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?

I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.

Affordable healthcare, bb!

facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site

Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*

I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.

Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”

always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car

handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts

I feel like once your going to these lengths you can spring for separate room for the toilet

narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-

toupeed eagle: what?

The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff