Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
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It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.