Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle Sam

Dr Seuss’s CPA

me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]

Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets

[ad for umbrellas]

[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]

“There must be a better way!”

Voiceover: UMBRELLAS

Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby

Somedays I feel like running away.

Then I remember how much I hate running.

How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.

like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.

The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen

A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”

VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!

Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?

A: Because it waxes every month.

Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..

[airport security]

wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*

me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*

tsa agent:

tsa agent: why so many gameboys

Home is where your toilet is.

Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.

Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.

Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears

[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?

waiter: no they can’t reach the table

I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it

giddy up Office Depot

There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”

Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.

I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.

God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?

creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same

I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then

You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.

You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.