Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.

Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans

I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.

I was with someone that did mushrooms yesterday that told me they could, like, *hear* sounds and I didn’t have the heart to tell them that’s how I receive sounds too

what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?

People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.

perfect

In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.

Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.

My six year old has recently discovered the existence of “opposite day,” and in keeping with the theme let me just say I love it. It’s a lot of fun.

The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.

This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”

Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”

Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”

Manager:“I need to see you in my office.

kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?

mom: i ate it

kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that

mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you

kid: oh god no i-

mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand

Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket

me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*

brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH

me: *goes radio silent*

I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again

DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?

them: I like that filter on you

me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks

Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.

Purse Rules:

1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses

2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs

[about to have sex]

me: fasten your seatbelt

her: oooh you’re good huh

me: no this is a race car bed

I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.

Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!

Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.

You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore

Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.

If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.

Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes

Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.