Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Question: You know how cocky you need to be to put a billboard up for an establishment that is nearly 600 miles away in the opposite direction?

Answer: You need to be Buc-ees-level cocky.

⛽️ 🦫

“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief

[break-in]

BURGLAR: [cracks safe]

COP: Not so fast, kiddo

BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]

*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”

you never realize how long a minute is until you’re doing cardio.

You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you

When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.

It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight

I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits

pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.

[at funeral]

My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-

*casket is lowered into the ground*

-he was down to earth.

When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.

Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.

if the plane can’t go to the gate, that has nothing to do with me. We landed. I can get out and walk

My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc

Got upgraded to first class for the first time ever and it’s CRAZY. Free booze and brunch. Bigger TVs. Comfy seats with tons of room. An extra page in the safety manual that says in the case of a crash landing we’re entitled to eat the passengers in coach

Abandoned amusement parks are so creepy.. it’s no wonder they were abandoned

this was very charming

[god creating worms]

WORM: Alright I’m a snake!

GOD: Well, no you—

WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?

GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy

Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room

I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.

No date on the calendar is going to bully me into staying awake past 8:30pm

I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”

Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”

supermarket employee: can I help you find something?

me: oh no…I’m not shopping. I’m just here for the music

If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.

weaknesses

And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…

I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread