Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The saddest part of nuking my old account is losing a thread I live tweeted on a flight during which the couple next to me got in a fight over the guy wanting to wear shorts to a wedding. It was the only time I’ve paid for wifi on a plane bc it turned out the wedding was THEIRS.

Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life

[At my seance]

Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely him

Friend 2: How can you tell?

F1: He spelled “your” wrong.

[on phone]

me: honey I won some free tickets

wife: cool, for what?

me: speeding and resisting arrest

wife: never heard of them

It’s so hot outside that when I opened my front door I thought I was checking on my cornbread

“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”

*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.

Dear parents,

Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.

cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.

When I laugh on my period

You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?

Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you

My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.

[trick-or-treating]

Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!

Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.

INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?

ME: ʸᵉˢ

INTERVIEWER: holy shit

Me- owns 2 pairs of pants

My 8 month old, who has no where to go-

I use the tempura karate technique. For when you only want to lightly batter your opponent.

I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.

Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are

Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”

hello, boyfriend? it’s me, girlfriend, from dating?

They have creatures Noah didn’t bring into his ark. It’s a no

*Husband forgets to close screen on door*

*4 hrs later*

Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*

I might carry a baby with one hand.

[First Date]

Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?

All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.

a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her

Doctor: I have good news!

Me: oh thank God

Doctor: Do you want to die?

Me: No!

Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁

My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.

Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.

at my child’s request I’ve been sending carrots to school for the rabbit. Today I asked to stop by the classroom where the rabbit is and discovered that the rabbit is a puppet