Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers

My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.

her: this is the worst date EVER

me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit

You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.

future wife: how many alarms did you set

me: don’t worry about it

wife: how many

me: twenty seven

wife: set three more

I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.

Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.

Me: No.

imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”

Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.

wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats

My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along

I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.

her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes

I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.

Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*

advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them

Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.

There’s nothing like new glasses to make you realize you should get new glasses more often than every five years. Like, ah yes, trees have leaves. Birds. I’d forgotten all about them.

remains to be seen, not heard

– undertakers

A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)

[First day as homicide detective]

* approaching murder scene *

Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……

my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”

The two types of wives

You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.

[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”

For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31

I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.

[at work]

me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME

me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die

He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.

[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacist

Her: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”