Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

THEM: are you willing to take a drug test

ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down

Naps are like gambling for the tired. You either wake up refreshed or wake up the next day to lots of angry texts.

CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear

i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking

My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am

me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered

everyone on this work call:

CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated

AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit

I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it

First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.

I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*

On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system

Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.

Me: What if the pig eats them?

Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.

I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.

GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!

*holds flashlight up to face*

When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.

*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*

I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit

Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.

Me now: I would never date anyone.

My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.

[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]

OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!

warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?

me: yes, a final film

warden: ok, what do you want to watch

me: *smiles wide* the neverending story

[107 minutes later]

me: ok, that’s bullshit

Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.

Me at 2 a.m.:

Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.

[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?

Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.

Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!

I should have stayed in kindergarten.

[creation of trees]

god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves

tree: like a big coat?

god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off

tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job

Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!

Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea

[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”

Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is