Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
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No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
If Brussels sprouts can be bitter and celebrated, so can I.
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
#Caturday
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
Me: Honey, doctors say you should stand up and walk around every 30 minutes.
Husband: *stands up*
Me: Could you grab me a water while you’re up?