Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
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[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
How to make infinite energy.
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.