Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
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Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
Lunatics are gonna loon.
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”