Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing

No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.

Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.

Persuading my cat to go outside in the cold is a bit like when I had to encourage my daughter to go down the slide when she was 5.

Go on.
You can do it.
Brave girl.
GO ON.

“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted

Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.

4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?

Me: Bat cheese?

4: Yes

Me: Bat. Cheese?

4: Yes. Bat cheese.

Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?

4: For my car

Me:

4:

Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!

4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄

My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?

Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.

I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.

Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.

whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush

Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.

Today’s the day I’m gonna’ make the onions cry.

(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions

One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.

What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?

Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.

Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.

If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.

DOCTOR: I have bad news

MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo

Me: Can I be frank?

Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.

Me: Get out.

HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!

ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.

*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.

What did the dad reply to the mom who said “I’ve had enough, I’m selling my kid on eBay”?

“Don’t be silly. You made him, so sell him on Etsy.”

10:00: gets in hammock

10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock

10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock

[first date]

*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*

“Would you like a mint?”

*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*

“Dammit”

Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.

I don’t make the rules.

what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince

Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby

[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”