baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
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Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
my dog when i have a friend over
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.