baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold

mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear

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Girlfriend: Are you crying?

Me: It’s a wedding episode…

Gf: But you don’t even like this show

Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭


The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.


WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work


Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.


[100 year old man on job interview]

“Do you have any references?”

Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*


Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.


this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies


God: take it

Satan: no you take it

God: no you take it

Satan: i dont want it

God: well its no good to me

Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name


WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?