I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
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[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
Twitter is awesome. You can have a boyfriend right in your phone.
Available at all times.
Unless his wife’s around.
Twitter has no plot, millions of characters, & it never ends. Basically, it’s a “Hobbit” movie.
Tip for teens:
If you’re buying booze with a fake ID, the easiest way to seem legitimately older is to wear a wedding ring
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us