Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
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When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
Goals for my kids before I had them: teach them Spanish, only use positive reinforcement, never yell.
After: get them to put on pants.
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
*Wife thumps door*
“I KNOW UR IN THERE! U BLEW OUR SAVINGS ON A SHITTY INVENTION, DIDN’T U?!”
NO! *furiously flushes 1000s of dog-tampons*
Sloth Dad: i got some fireworks to celebrate your birthday
Sloth Son: um dad my birthday is four months away
Sloth Dad: okay I’m lighting them get ready to run