@Holy_Mowgli

baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold

mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear

You Might Also Like

@CouchPotShots

I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?

@steeve_again

[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate

@HatfieldAnne

If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.

@2sassymom

Twitter is awesome. You can have a boyfriend right in your phone.
Available at all times.

Unless his wife’s around.

@Diane_7A

Twitter has no plot, millions of characters, & it never ends. Basically, it’s a “Hobbit” movie.

@SortaBad

Tip for teens:

If you’re buying booze with a fake ID, the easiest way to seem legitimately older is to wear a wedding ring

@BoomBoomBetty

I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.

@PandAmonnia

“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”

*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*

@HomeProbably

[at restaurant]

Me: What’s under all that garnish?

Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.

@SteveSuckington

Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?

Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us