Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
You Might Also Like
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?