@Holy_Mowgli

baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold

mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear

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@GroovyTasia

Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.

*sees a talking Batman cup*

Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die

@WilliamAder

When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”

@wolfpupy

bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong

@yenniwhite

Goals for my kids before I had them: teach them Spanish, only use positive reinforcement, never yell.

After: get them to put on pants.

@TheCatWhisprer

My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.

Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.

@SortaBad

I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.

@Shen_the_Bird

genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-

me: no i’m sure this is my wish

[elsewhere]

mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup

@Try2StopME

Student: “May I go to the toilet?”

Teacher: “What for?”

Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”

@Turbo_Jimmy

*Wife thumps door*

“I KNOW UR IN THERE! U BLEW OUR SAVINGS ON A SHITTY INVENTION, DIDN’T U?!”

NO! *furiously flushes 1000s of dog-tampons*

@sonictyrant

Sloth Dad: i got some fireworks to celebrate your birthday

Sloth Son: um dad my birthday is four months away

Sloth Dad: okay I’m lighting them get ready to run