baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
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I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
There’s no “us” in nachos.
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue