Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
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Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
why did I just deep clean my entire apartment before the john mulaney and chappell roan saturday night live episode like they’re physically coming over
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.