Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
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HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
To the guy who invented zero, thanks for nothing
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
You want my advice? Okay, I’ll give you advice. Never, ever, EVER startle a skunk.
(I was sprayed by a skunk last night.)
(And THEN my son was sprayed while helping ME after I was sprayed.)
(It was like a children’s book gone horribly wrong.)
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye