Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
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“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
No one approached me–a reliable stranger–to take a picture of their family yesterday. Could’ve been the eye patch
The French cow says MEUX…
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
I discovered last night that I’m quite adept at finely slicing carrots and my fingers.