Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
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Hoping to spice up my evening
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
We need to put an American base on the sun
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
Me to 7yo: Why is your sister standing in the toilet!? Who showed her that?
7yo: Not me.
Me: Good. Because if you don’t wash your feet and did something like that, they would shrivel up and fall off.
7yo: I’ll be right back. I need to…go wash something…
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
(True)
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
why can’t i find normal clothes anymore why is it all either $5 for a scrap of polyester produced in evil ways or $200 for a basic shirt
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
