Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.

You say you’re a stoner?

Name every stone then

You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.

woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing

If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.

I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.

this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray

If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.

I’m about to risk it all

The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.

You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look

why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward

RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists

Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…

All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.

Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,

say, “I lost half a super-model”

Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.

Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]

I need a horror movie where a kidnapper abducts a possessed child and finds out.

Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-

Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE

Dinosaur 911: same color as you?

Dinosaur: YES

Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?

Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh

Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.

HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish

ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done

I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.

Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.

Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.

It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face

Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.

I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.

(At the Gym)

Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.

Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face

I think…I think I swallowed it.

If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.

How it started: How it’s going:

I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats

If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.