Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
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[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.