Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.

Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…

Kids: *fighting*

Me: TWO…

Kids: *still fighting*

Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF

Kids: *brawling at this point*

Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three

Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?

I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something new

Pfff….poetry is easy

The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle

every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup

If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to

I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.

And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.

can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.

These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.

“comparison is the thief of joy” well sure if you’re a loser

[Me getting cut off in traffic]

GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!

[Notices USMC sticker]

AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!

In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection

Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness

Me: lying on my resume probably

Made something I’m not proud of

[party city]

employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?

me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome

Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?

Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?

Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now

Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps

Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”

We know he can swim but…

I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.

Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.

DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”

ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”

DOCTOR:……..

Only sending condolence cards when someone dies is not enough. We need a range of cards that enable us to sympathise with people about smaller things too

Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.

Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.

Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.

[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason