Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die

Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.

friend: you should be more spontaneous

me: *opens planner* when?

Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work

Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over

While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂

*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant

Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.

My tombstone will probably read

“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”

If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.

Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.

Waiter: Ready to order?

Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.

Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.

You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.

Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?

Me: Are you going to test me?

Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-

Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk

“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”

Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..

“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor

If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.

AHHH!!! Don’t look at our website with a website browser!! We’ll DIE ! Use our app!!!!!! click this!!

[button that does not open the app, redirects to the app store]

[3 guys corner me in an alley]

3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit

I’m often mistaken for an adult because of my age

I wish gyms had a “montage” option

I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.

[at mechanic]

me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment

mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts

ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.

my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion

the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”

If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…

GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.

[typing in parental control pin]

5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works

It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.