Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.

aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this

lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling

me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker

my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?

They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..

….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up

Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!

ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.

In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.

[peeing behind a tree]

bonsai artist: I have restrooms

safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle

me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor

Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.

Ok in hindsight “bite me” was a terrible safe word choice

Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron

Whoever came up with the name wallpaper really nailed it.

me: i need answers

smashmouth guy: please i have a family

me: [tasing him again] who told you?

smashmouth guy: aaagh

me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me

smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY

I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.

NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON

My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.

Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up

Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday

Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!

Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”

Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.

hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence

Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?

My daughter sat beside me on the bed with a granola bar, so I’m gonna get back at her by eating powdered donuts in hers.

Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist

Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.

I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.

My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.

I’m leaving this garbage website because it’s become such a cesspool and ruining all of our lives.

I’ll be back in 5 min.

Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.

You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’