Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parents: lying is bad

Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11

CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up

ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up

Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.

{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.

HER: He’s so kind.

ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.

I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.

Twerking is the crocs of dancing.

[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?

Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.

everyone’s blaming media illiteracy for ppl mistaking poo crave for pop crave but babe that’s just regular illiteracy 😓

I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS

Haha good job!!

The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!

I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.

My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.

Because Canadian.

So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”

In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.

Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.

DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”

ME: “I understand.”

DOCTOR: “Exactly.”

7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭

[at a store]

Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?

*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*

Clerk: Well, they’re polarized

I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.

“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.

My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.

[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.

Remember mad cow disease?

Good times.

If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.

Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat

Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts

People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save

My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.