[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
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They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
A two-step guide to warning someone not to hit their head:
1. Wait until they’ve hit their head
2. Say “ooh, mind your head”
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert