Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.

Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.

Him: Please, call me James.

It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.

Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza

Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!

Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.

Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*

M: …ignore that.

Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry

Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand

CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lying

CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth

4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*

No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.

You are a psycho with mascara.

Coworker: did you get a tan?

Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan

Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.

A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about

Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?

Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.

Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”

Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”

If we all club together we could raise enough money to buy Monday and have it destroyed.

Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.

One building was torn down by a wrecking ball, another building was bulldozed. They were razed differently.

Persuading my cat to go outside in the cold is a bit like when I had to encourage my daughter to go down the slide when she was 5.

Go on.
You can do it.
Brave girl.
GO ON.

Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.

“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food

Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.

Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.

My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.

“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”

a New Yorker reject, for you

Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner

*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.

ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?

MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe

Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.

My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.