Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.

6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?

Taxidermist: He will not

Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.

I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.

Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier

7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?

Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair

Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.

Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.

covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.

good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.

Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.

Me: How old am I?

Brain: Give me a minute.

Me: What’s my email password?

Brain: I don’t remember.

Me: Why’d I walk in this room?

Brain: I have no idea.

Me:

Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.

I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.

Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.

At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”

She gets it..

Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.

I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.

When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”

FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN

[frogs start falling from sky]

Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.

Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
They

Amateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes

[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*

*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend

If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.

Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?

Wife: get a babysitter.

My car broke down between the marina and the Hallmark store.

Now, I’m stuck between a dock and a card place.

Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.

ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad

Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.

Where can I get a Medic Alert bracelet that says “not a hugger?”

Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.