Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
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You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
All I’m saying is you know it’s been a successful Thanksgiving when your clothes no longer fit.
All is fair in drunk and war.
My wife: “Do you even like writing?”
Me: “I like having written.”
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
I wish this was real life…
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
Them: Don’t let someone live rent-free in your head.
Me: They’re right.
*sends invoices to all the jerks from my past that I keep thinking about*
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
Wife: Why are you so handsome?
Me: Because I have an amazing wife who takes care of me and motivates me to stay in shape and eat well
Wife: 🥰
Me: Why are you so pretty?
Wife: bc I have a skin care routine
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
Commits all the murders so I can be most wanted by somebody.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I