Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.

The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.

Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!

Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?

– cannibal dinner party

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: They should call the receipt the cashier gives you a ‘buyography’ and the one from the self-checkouts an ‘autobuyography’.

HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’

The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten

Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.

Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted

O Wise One….

I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again

“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.

My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.

*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS

Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.

To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice

me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house

drug dealer: who are you talking to

me: [lowering my voice] he knows

Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?

I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.

Me: Okay… Time for bed.

Brain: Cool.

Me:

Brain:

Me:

Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??

“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*

Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles

Did I do this right

A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless

Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.

On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.

Although. I kinda want to now.

*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today

Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt

*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*

*burns neck with curling iron*

*stabs scalp with bobby pin*

*gets hairspray in eyes*

*wears hair in ponytail*

Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call

[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.

#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!

Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.

If you’re not feeling the love from your kids, schedule a night out. As soon as you tell them a babysitter is coming they’ll suddenly remember they can’t live without you