Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
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Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
May your day taste like creamy soup.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
whenever they do this I can only imagine athletes are telling each other who they have a crush on
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.