Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
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Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the livingroom. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
Easy now bro smoking a strawberry cheesecake flavoured vape! I don’t want no trouble.
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
Guess I picked the wrong century to start a telephone booth repair service.