Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days

me: how’d the date go

friend: i got ghosted

me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out

Okay so I need to find and purchase this book

ME: I shot a man in Reno–

YOU: Just to watch him die? haha

ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.

3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.

During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.

It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!

I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…

At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.

and now a text from my mom:

are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried

forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?

Cop: Yes, go back a step.

Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.

Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.

Me: What are you up to?

Her: I’m making Chinese.

Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.

Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?

Me: Yes but

Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?

Me: What you have to understand is

Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”

[Shopping for Deodorant]

I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.

Tired: Turner & Hooch

Wired:

A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.

I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.

might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun

person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi

How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table

I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.

How did they get kids to pose for oil paintings mine won’t sit still for 4 seconds for a family photo

Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you

[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it

Leave it to Stephen Chow to pull off one of the funniest and dopest fight scenes in history without ever even throwing a single punch or kick. Bruce Lee’s “Art of Fighting Without Fighting” fully realized.

My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.

ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted

ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up

My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up

“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.

[being pulled from a burning car]

fireman: any idea how it started?

me: I used my keys