BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
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“OMGJK” -atheists
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
Had an Airbus A320 in with some fuselage damage. Benny in maintenance didn’t have the parts, so he had to do a few adjustments and a spot of riveting. The airline will never know.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
[spotify ai voice] ayo it’s ya dj, x. comin up, i’m gonna play you some music that sucks
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”