Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
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It was my idea to make parking meters unreadable when the sun is out. I don’t get any money out of it, but I’m proud of my contribution.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
The program was great. Not only did we have a yabba dabba doo time but we had a gay old time.
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
do not take me to an escape room. i was a c-section. someone is gonna have to come get me
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?