Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
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Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it swim
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
😂🖐️
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.