Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
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Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
My teenager at school drop off: “DON’T say anything when I get out of the car”
*door opens*
BYE MY SWEETUMS! SHARE PENCILS, NOT GERMS!
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
Eating Taco Bell shouldn’t count for calories because it’s not around long enough
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
Banderslack Clamberdorch
At the aquarium yesterday, my kid asked, “The sharks aren’t allowed to eat the other fish, right?” So if anyone asks, aquarium sharks are vegetarian
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
accurate
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
Never buy trail mix without dried fruit or chocolate. That would be totally nuts!
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT