“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
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mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
I wish I loved anything as much as teenage baggers at the grocery store love treating my fruit like it was made of adamantium.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20