“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
You Might Also Like
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
Already got one
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
Everyone seems to be sharing this joke. Here it is from years ago in one of my old specials.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
My firstborn put our house on Yelp and left a review stating the food is great but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.