Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.

I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.

Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.

Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.

A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.

Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!

*Texting*

HIM: Do you have any snacks?

ME: In my panty.

H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”

M: Nope.

Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake

Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater

[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota

Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear

Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”

Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.

me: I’d wait a lifetime for you

also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there

*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian*

*wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*

“I want frog legs.”

-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever

*teaching 13 to cut the grass

Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?

13: Yep

13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.

I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSpray

We tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.

Goodnight 🐶

You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!

if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately

50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”

My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.

Just a reminder, folks:

Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist

Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”

M: Did NOT see that coming

I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.

Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old

Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer

Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t

The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.

Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.

God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results

I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president