BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
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Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
Me: I love you more than a flower loves the sun.
10: I love you more than a teenager loves her phone
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
I left my wallet in the car and asked my 9yo if I could borrow $3. He gone say “look at me carrying this family on my back”.
Boy…💀💀💀💀
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
everyone should be able to film one family Thanksgiving they can show to people to explain why they’re the way they are
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me