Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..

but if you do, get the dental work first.

Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?

And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!

If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.

My in-laws visited today.

FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.

My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?

I love my son.

9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?

Me: Let me think about it

9yo: *gives me a hug*

9yo: Did that help?

[first day as a doorman]

me: bye, thanks for coming

sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about

#merica

Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.

my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend

I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.

“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.

My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.

EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?

ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster

EARTH: great just checking

Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.

Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on

“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.

i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way

An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it

Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.

When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.

Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger. 

If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.

I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.

EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.

If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.

My mom was a little overprotective. She made me wear a helmet every time I rode my bike. It was an exercise bike and I was 19, but hey, her house, her rules.

I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.

The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.