BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
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I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
the Monday after daylight savings
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.