BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
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I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
When your child makes a full inventory of their Halloween take so they can tell if they are being robbed by a family member.
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
imagine you get to the gates of heaven and they make you download an app to go in
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”