BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
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15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
Just a reminder: 3-year-olds like to be given a choice! When you’re getting ready to go, ask them “would you like to wear sneakers or sandals?” so that they feel INCLUDED and EMPOWERED to scream at the top of their lungs that they want to wear their Mickey Mouse bedroom slippers
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
I’m still traumatized about being shaken down for lunch money by the third grade bully. What makes it worse is that I was his third grade teacher at the time.
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.