Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[operating room]

SURGEON: We’ve lost him

NURSE: Exact time of death?

GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm

[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u again

DATE: That would be nice

ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her

A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM

This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.

Stranger danger is a very real thing.

They nearly always react badly to proposals.

Hotels are back

*Walks 500 miles

*Walks 500 more

*Is the guy who falls down at your door

*Knocks

*Gets no answer

*Realizes he should have called first

A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.

“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.

I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there

Hello consequences, my actions went that way.

You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?

Don’t touch my fries.

You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough

Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy

“$400 for movers? No, I can rent a truck and do it myself for $40”

– Me yesterday

I regret everything….

Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?

I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.

Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones

Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?

Me: no, the bones in my mouth

Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones

pictures of spider-man

She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza

some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting

cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest

I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.

“Sookie!”

-70% of True Blood dialogue

The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”

*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.

Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.

Me: Same.

Yeah, I use She pronouns.

But not like a girl, like a boat.

Kid: *from the back seat* Daddy, when a snowflake gets made, how does one side know what the other side looks like?

Me: It’s because…holy shit

Kid: You just ran that stop sign

Me: Shut up give me a second

I was on a search party in the forest last night.

Bit of a boring party.

We found a dead guy though.