Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
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My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
When my wife left, I was sad, upset and lonely.
Since then I’ve got a dog, bought a motorcycle, started dating again and gained 15 pounds. She’s gonna be pissed when she gets home from work.
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
A late person is never happier than when the person they’re meeting is later than them
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
I wish I could put an AirTag on my sanity.
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.