Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

customer: can I return this bird food?

me: we don’t take returns

customer: then can I give some feedback?

me: I told you no

Apparently you’re not supposed to announce that there’s been a death in the family every time you kill a houseplant

manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim

[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries

People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?

Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.

Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.

[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.

Just know I tried.

Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.

I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?

“Google Glass”

I know what glass is, Catherine.

I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.

“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff

I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.

Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.

T: You need a break
M: Yes.

T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?

T: Hell no.

*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.

If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.

Me: *smiling from ear to ear*

Plastic surgeon: My bad.

I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name

Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?

Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.

I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..

Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?

I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”

There stupid…

Trainer: How often do you exercise?

Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?

T: Uhhh sure.

M: Ok then still not that often

Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.

How tf did it end up there?

Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.

Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*

Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*

I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms

I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.