Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
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Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
Trying to limit my time on Twitter. Very aware of my responsibilities. Very going to scroll just a little longer… three hours later.
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
putting a “Wellness Room” sign above the main exit at work.
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me