Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
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I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
what are they serving at kfc then???
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
This is what happens when people grow up without watching Final Destination.
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
you never know what burdens people are dealing with
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift