Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
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My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk