Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
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Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
HR gave me some amazing advice for dealing with stress. It really works. To release anger, just write letters to the people you hate then burn them. Not sure what you do with the letters though.
Everything reminds me of my ex
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
So, who do I speak to about swapping out my nervous system for a chiller one?
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
I love when my cat sighs at me, like what’s got you stressed out my little freeloading homicidal maniac
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?