“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
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I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
I tried to cancel the sail I ordered for my new boat but Amazon said:
“We’re sorry, your sail has shipped.”
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
If you leave your trash cans out all week you’ll always be the first to have them at the curb
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
Watermelon Boss!
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
Hilarious if literal: arms race
[noticing the food the other guests brought to the party are halloween themed] this spinach artichoke dip is haunted
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto