Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
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hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
Otters drive ottermobiles.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
[On a road trip]
Kids: Oooh a Waffle House! Can we eat there?!
Husband: Hard pass. I’ve seen y’all fight, and frankly, it’s not gonna cut it.
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
Girl on the train complimented me and said I was funny, responded with “thanks, it’s all I have” and the rest of the train gave me a worried look
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”