Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”

One of my sons wants to become a historian and the other wants to become an artist so I guess I want to become a lottery winner

you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.

MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*

Things that alarm my 5yo

Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick

Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt

Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce

I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.

I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone

Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.

My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.

Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?

What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?

[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”

Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.

I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.

[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit

if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity

I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.

Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.

88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.

Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.

Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?

Her: What brings you to speed dating?

Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.

How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?

And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?

Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*

Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺

My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.

Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?

Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.

I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.

my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun