Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
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Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
My mood is currently on “shuffle.”
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
I decided to do an exercise video today. Before long I was exhausted, broken, but I’d told myself I was going to gut it out so I hit pause to see how much I had left. I’d completed 80%. “Not bad,” I thought, then I caught the full name of the video. It was the warmup.
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
Voodoo map
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes