Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
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I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
No one comes off looking worse than the third party who was asked to interfere in a couple fight.
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
Terminator: [arriving in 2024, current timeline] yikes, send me back
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.