Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
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WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.