Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.

no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads

Moments before my plane doors closed this guy rushes on and goes “I MADE IT BOYS” and like 10 dudes scattered around the plane started cheering and he high fived them all as he went to his seat. Their boys weekend in Bozeman is about to be a feature film

My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.

There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.

Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself

It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.

Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.

At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.

*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENED

Boss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.

Psych meds aren’t enough anymore. Hit me with a shovel.

I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.

If you think someone has put a hex on you, Venmo me $800 and I’ll get rid of it.

Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?

why would I work from home when i don’t even work from work

This feels like a whole lot of trolley problems for a country with hardly any public transportation

Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.

my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?

me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town

Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.

Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend

There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.

“Okay Benjamin, now I need you to go outside, point your nose up at the sky, and slowly start turning around. I’ll yell when I get a good signal.”

If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know

ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.

ALLISON: I agr-

ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!

*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*

When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.

Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.

8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it

Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.

I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami workshop.

I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors.

Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.

employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad