Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops

Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.

King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?

King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping

My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.

me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish

health inspector: so you see why this is happening

This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒

I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.

Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily

I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…

I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him

[Annual Review]

Boss: how do you think you performed this year?

Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.

Boss: you’re fired.

Me: This is such an accrual profession.

me: why can’t I crack this egg open

wife: because it’s a lemon

me: first my car and now this

Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok

*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*

Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*

I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.

[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?

*job interview*

“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”

I quit

Received some very disappointing news today

[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!

You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.

I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.

*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?

me: i like baseball.

man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season

Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi

During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?

Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.

Me: OK, so my parents met in university…

T: No I mean the start of your problems.

M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…

For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.

her: there’s a spider in the bath

me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel

Optional boss fight.

Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.

Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.