Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
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PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
Me when they’re trying to close the buffet
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
If you start making a voodoo doll at Michael’s, you get to meet the manager.
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb