baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 馃幍 I really can’t staaay … 馃幍
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 馃幍 I have to go a … 馃幍
me – ok, bye!![]()
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Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9戮 pounds.
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don鈥檛 you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh鈥nd made her madder.
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he鈥檚 a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that鈥檚 right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
If there鈥檚 a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We鈥檙e in this together, folks
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
The good news: once you get a PhD, friends and family will refer to you as doctor.
The bad news: They will only do it sarcastically after you get basic trivia wrong.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
LinkedIn: where you desperately hope that one idiot you had a drink with six years ago can somehow help get you a job.
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”