Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.

FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.

[later]

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?

If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?

6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.

No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.

breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title

what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles

[On a Ferris wheel]

Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!

Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!

Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats

SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.

( spelling bee )

Your word is “passive-aggressive”

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.

Dad died last year. I had the job of clearing his house out as I still
live in the same town. Found twelve thousand pounds in cash stashed in various hiding places. Haven’t told my siblings.

According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.

Where do you weigh a pie?

Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…

🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶

Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.

New guy: I really like your name

Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday

alien: greetings earthlings

me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language

alien: yeet us to yaass queen

me: *pinches nose* ffs

[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles

I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.

she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza

the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain

You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?

Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…

Happy Halloween !
Cartoon credit: Berger & Wyse

When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?

James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond

Terribly Tuesday.

I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.

If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”