Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.

Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.

eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us

Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work

Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way

to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of

Wow planes really have bad luck on that day

If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey

A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.

I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.

Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?

Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.

Wife: What do you think our song is?

Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.

Wife: Idiot…

The echo in my house when it’s clean is unsettling. Better order more stuff.

if you guys saw this outside of a bar, would you come in? please be honest

twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers

I would totally waterboard you.

-me flirting

I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm

Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.

Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”

*At the checkout

Cashier: How many croissants?

M: Four

*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.

M: Um six

Triceratops seeks Tricerabottom

-Jurassic period Grindr

me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?

wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.

Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.

I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.

I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.

I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.

I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.

Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.

I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.

INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?

ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.

You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself

I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.

Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”

[Sirens]
Dude open the door!

*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!

What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?

Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle

My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:

-Why is your face melting?

-Why do you make your face look evil?

-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?