Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
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5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
DAD: All I want you to do is get some water. This is the simplest task I can possibly imagine. Promise me you won’t bungle this.
JACK AND JILL: We’re on it.
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.