Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
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All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
Seals are like dog mermaids who bite, so, like dog mermaids.
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
Me: please wait a little longer
Her: you’re a liar and I’m leaving!
She turns and storms off. A few seconds later, the baseball I threw all the way around the world whizzes into my glove. It’s too late. It took too long. I must train to throw harder if I’m ever to find a wife.
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do