Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
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An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
lot going on here, legally speaking.
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
Monday?
No. Next question.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.