Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that

I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.

Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week

Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.

If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.

gf: we can’t have another pet

me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots

my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades

If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.

so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it

Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years

My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am

Me: What a coincidence

They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.

Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.

Me: please wait a little longer

Her: you’re a liar and I’m leaving!

She turns and storms off. A few seconds later, the baseball I threw all the way around the world whizzes into my glove. It’s too late. It took too long. I must train to throw harder if I’m ever to find a wife.

*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!

The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened

I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.

Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?

I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :

Hugh Janus

And now i can’t stop laughing

[before surgery]

doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?

me: yes, every night

Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.

If you drink a lot of water, you won’t have time for other people’s drama because you’ll be too busy looking for a bathroom.

ME: my dog ate my homework

TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good

Absolutely Stockholm Syndromed into liking Frozen 2. This movie is a MESS but now I’ve seen it roughly 12 times and I love it. Every Disney movie should have 7 plots that have almost nothing to do with each other.

I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”

Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.

Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??

COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.

ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.

I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible

Father: I love both my sons equally.

Max: I know that, dad.

Min: I have my doubts.

Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?