“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
You Might Also Like
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what