Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?

If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows

I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.

football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays

Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.

Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:

“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”

“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.

I can’t wait!

every Crock-Pot recipe:

– add anything you have in the house

– cook two to fourteen hours.

If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.

This anagram machine is out of order.

Here to help

The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom

me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck

craps dealer: no soup at the table

Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?

*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face

Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.

Therapist: What’s the issue?

Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club

Therapist: You want to talk about it?

Me: That’s right

Well, this is awkward

Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen

I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”

[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share

I hope this email finds you in the paradise city where the grass is green and the girls are pretty.

I’m just a girl

standing in front of a pizza

asking it to not have carbs.

If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.

It’s crazy people waste their time with hobbies and family when there are strangers on the internet who need to be argued with

Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?

Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?

Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants

Her: Like something naughty though

Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals

Me: She really needs to calm down.

Alcohol: You should tell her.

“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…

…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.

Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?