Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
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I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
🌱🌱🌱
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.