Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”

I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night

87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.

40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.

At what point should you worry about your drinking?

I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.

Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.

Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief

I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman

A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away

5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.

Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.

I don’t share cheese on the first date.

if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.

They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.

Been trying to eat healthier. Saw this sign and was just like “damn. I sure do.”

Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit

Can Happiness buy money?

Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.

[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out

Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face

When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.

“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”

*Checks soles of both my shoes*

“….left, ladies.”

Signature Move

The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense

me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this

[outside]

getaway driver: did he just get in line

Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?

Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.

Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*

911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now

Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?