Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife has the worst taste in men.

I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism

“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”

– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.

I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles

Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?

Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?

Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?

That’s Twitter now.

i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”

The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm

*speed dating*

I’m a competitive eater!

Date: Are you any good?

[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask

The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.

Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman

First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.

My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.

I said “Happy”

Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.

me: oh, I have a great ide…

wife: no

A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.

-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will

If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party

Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.

[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]

Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?

Me: Yes but

Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?

Me: What you have to understand is

Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”

Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room

Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute

When the moon hits your eye
Like it’s 5:45,
That’s November

oh, my cursed amulet is making me possessive and greedy? of course you’d say that. you want my amulet all for yourself.

My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.

[arguing with my wife]

WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH

[any baby is born]

society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds

MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]

I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.