Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
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Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
people think 👼 is the angel emoji but 🍪 is actually much closer to the biblical description
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.