Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
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After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?