Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
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[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
I fucking love Gary Larson so much
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
Please be delicate with me I’m built like a Nature Valley bar
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers