Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
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ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
Follow your dreams. Hire a detective to track them down and confront them in a motel parking lot.
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
Health and fitness is really important to me
Dips the French fry in the mashed potatoes
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
pls suprot
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
There are so many tornados in Ohio, the state bird is lawn furniture
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
I can’t decide if you put canned tuna in balloons are they ballunas or tunalloons but either way those kids are going to have a great field day game.
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this